What Does it Mean to be Yourself?

In my early 20s I was new to dating, shy and itching for any attention from the opposite sex. I hadn’t dated before but I knew I could make the room laugh when I wanted. Despite the antics, I also lacked confidence, especially when I was out of my comfort zone. I remember sitting in a college bar with a friend one day and showing him the profile of a woman I matched with on Tinder. I told him I was thinking of something to make her laugh and he says ‘just be yourself.’ I heard the message in jest before but that was really the first time it hit me. Years later, I would hear it again for networking, job hunting, parties and just about about any medium of socialization.

If you are someone like me who once lacked a lot of confidence, then I have answers to the question: What does it mean to be yourself?

To be yourself, is to be you in the good, bad and ugly moments. it is being vulnerable. Six years ago, while I was feeling lonely and insufferable, I came across a book called Models – Attraction Through Honesty by Mark Manson. I went into it with the idea it will fix my dating woes and ended up leaving with an entirely different perspective on life. Essentially the main takeaway from the book was this: less performance, more vulnerability. When I wasn’t making everyone in the room laugh or coming up with crappy one liners on dating apps, there was just me. A person who felt happiness, sadness, confusion and most importantly I knew what I was feeling and not neglecting it. Then, at the age of 25, it hit me like a bird shitting over my head. I realized I could be everything I imagined in my mind: free, open, vocal and opinionated. Except, life did not work like that. I was still just as insecure after this discovery, the wheels didn’t suddenly turn over night.

A moment of Uncertainty
When you’re young, impressionable and poor, being yourself can seem antithetical to progress. I get it, society is quick to judge, categorize people and create invisible timelines of success. Being you can seem counter intuitive to your overall development and belonging to a social group. The truth of the matter is that these boxes, timelines and labels are all bullshit. If you are chasing status or some superficial timeline, then you are going to be living a life where you are trying to satisfy everyone. Newsflash – Not only is it impossible but some people are absolutely terrible. Not everyone is worth looking up to or pleasing. Being true to anything but your own values can be an ethical dilemma too.

Being yourself doesn’t mean you accept your flaws and shit behaviour as you are. On the contrary, it is an obligation to live up to your own values and interest at the highest level. An NBA player didn’t just wake up one morning and tell himself ‘I’m a baller, baby.’ No, he joined a club, worked on his jump shot and performed at the highest level when it was time to play. There is no on and off switch for confidence. It’s not a jacket you wear and decide ‘today is that day, motherfucker.’ Let’s re-frame that – Everyday is that day. Your confidence is uniquely you.

And I get it, there are going to be people now and along the way who will just shit on you for being yourself. You know what though? They were going to shit on you whether you were being yourself or conning as a gym bro, anime nerd, or wannabe foodie influencer. There is a liberating feeling in knowing you have nothing to hide and you are content with being disliked for living an honest life.

Accepting this means that the road ahead might feel lonely. You may lose friends, miss out on dates or job opportunities. This sounds like a horrible trade off, right? No. What’s actually happening is that you are sticking to your guns, living true to your values and ethics and in doing so, you will be attracting others who share something similar.

As the old expression goes ‘For those who matter, don’t mind and for those who mind, don’t matter.’ When in doubt, find what matters to you. Be vulnerable and in touch with you how you feel. That is when you will know you are truly being yourself and living the most authentic version of your life.