Many years ago, I envied a friend who went on a lot of dates and many years before that, I carried a chip on my shoulder because I didn’t travel the world much. What do both of these things have in common? You guessed it, I was comparing myself to someone else in those moments. Comparison is natural and something we take with us in our day to day interactions. We’re competitive, emotional and sometimes, irrational.
In the era of globalization, we’re more connected and aware of what’s happening around us thanks to the internet, smart phones and social media. The information flowing in our direction is not only convenient but fast-paced. The nature of internet culture does not provide anyone with the luxury of time to process the information. We’ve all been there, where we’re browsing through someone’s page on Instagram and we see 50 reels of the travelling they’ve documented. Or that girl you have a crush on? She took a picture in front of the Nobu sign and you become insecure about your own self-worth. Before you know it, you’re bothered by people living their life and your self-esteem killed any chance you had of asking that girl out on a date. Today, we are going to work on ourselves by gaining knowledge of our own perceptions.
The Illusion of the Linear Path
I had a friend named Peter who constantly felt like shit because he was always comparing himself with the next man. It didn’t matter if you were a friend or foe, Peter wanted what you had in the moment. I empathize because he had a disadvantage in life, he grew up in low income housing and was working as soon as he turned 15 to help out the family. He never had the conventional path of go to college, find a job and get married. Yes, that imaginary line of success some asshole drew a long time ago and decided it would be the standard for all of us. As time passed, Peter’s friends got married, bought homes and worked great jobs. It created this illusion of feeling left out, like he wasn’t doing enough. The worst part is the comparisons never stopped. If he wasn’t insecure about his education, it was about living with his family and later on it would be about his career. He was so concerned with other people’s perception of him that it altered his own perception of himself.
I wish I could throw the guy a pity party but that wasn’t even possible. He’s done well for himself but his own insecurities have blurred his ability to see the blessings. In the time he spent comparing himself to others, Peter found a career, started a side hustle, saved over 100k dollars, had a girlfriend and got to travel outside the country a few times with friends and family. He was right about one thing, he didn’t have a conventional path. He excelled beyond it. This imaginary line of success would never allow him to celebrate his wins.
The Untold Story
You don’t want to be me and I sure as hell don’t want to be you. It’s OK to admire someone’s character or work ethic but the train stops there. We’re all people with our own qualities and problems. If we’re being sincere, you also don’t know the full picture of someone’s story. We can admire the photos, accolades or material possessions but everyone has a unique path. Remember that girl you had a crush on? She works as an admin assistant and treats herself out to a nice restaurant a few times a year. Tony racked up 30k of debt from his line of credit to solo travel across Europe. This is all to say don’t jump to conclusions and don’t be hard on anyone, especially yourself. There is more to the story than you can imagine. Honestly though? who gives a shit. Instead of worrying someone else’s timeline, focus on how you can improve yours. So many people get caught up watching another person’s highlight reels that they forget to create their own. Living vicariously through someone else has become an unfortunate byproduct of this golden social media age.
If we dig a little deeper, the psychology of comparison infiltrates in other avenues of life. Where a lot of men get it wrong in the dating space is through idealizing women. A confident and secure woman is not only attractive but hella intimidating. You find men who put them on a pedestal and overcompensate with their lack of personality to impress. Or on the other extreme, you get men who are too scared to ask them out on a date because they’ve concluded there is no shot. This creates an enormous amount of frustration for everyone. Both scenarios reach the same conclusion: Women are left feeling annoyed because the guys did everything except admire and see them as equals. I want you to take a moment to consider this thought with all your relationships, romantic or platonic. Most people have no idea what the fuck they’re doing. They are just as insecure, if not more insecure than you are. We just all have a different way of handling the cards were dealt, or in many cases, masking them. The beauty of life is the uncertainty of it, there is a shared struggle in the unknown of what the future holds.
Camaraderie through Struggle
This shared struggle of the human experience is what binds us together. It doesn’t matter what walk of life you’re from, we’ve all experienced hardship in some capacity. We might have differences in political views, taste in food or fashion but we’re all bound by the unpredictability of life. Some of the best connections you’ll ever have are in your most vulnerable moments. This is when you start to become more conscious of the people around you. The ones who resonate will open up more and engage in meaningful dialogue. the ones who don’t will show their true intentions and fold eventually. It’s those moments where you sit in a parked car with someone at 2 am just to talk about how hard life is or that time where you and another angry man vented about the unreliable public transit after the bus arrived late (*cough* Ottawa *cough*).
In the most unexpected ways imaginable, your insecurities will be what shape you moving forward. You can let them define you, be a victim and see the world as black and white, or you can acknowledge them, be honest with yourself and continue striving for better. I don’t know about you, but I much prefer the latter. When you speak your truth, you create boundaries in the process. The values you’ve chosen to live by will engage the others around you. If they were a real one all along they were meant to stay and if not, show them the way out the door. This does not mean you’re hostile, militant or aggressive, rather you’ve chosen self-respect and sent the message loud and clear – get with it or get lost.
It’s Going to be OK
During the pandemic, I had a close friend named Jerome who was working as a law clerk in a corporate firm. Jerome’s end goal was to apply to law school as a mature student but he needed to build his resume and credentials along the way. Becoming a lawyer was a dream he set out for himself when he was 17 years old. Between the uncertainty of getting into law school, working a low paying job and living with terrible roommates, Jerome felt like he was trapped in a never ending grimy cycle. To protect his pride, he became more reserved and closed off from socializing outside of work and his close friends from undergrad. Jerome deleted social media, cut off contact with many people and lived life by his own accord. While normally we praise people for leading a life they’d like to live, this wasn’t healthy. His entire approach was motivated by doubts about his place in the world, not the confidence in it. While he appeared very stubborn looking back, he was actually masking his depression. Jerome felt like his dream was slipping away and he was preparing himself for the reality of a Plan B (absolutely nothing wrong with that either btw).
While Jerome became a shell of his former self, he never gave up on his dream either. Despite the motions, stubborn attitude and pessimistic outlook, he persevered. By following his gut and sticking to the plan, Jerome got into law school a few years later, quit his job and did a complete 360 with his life. Jerome just finished his first year of law school, became a social butterfly and is part of multiple social groups at school. Jerome is currently embarking on a solo trip in Europe before he starts the next semester in the fall.
You can breathe easy. As a matter of fact, you always had this option. Just because you are not where you want to be in life right now, does not mean you are never going to get there. As you age, your values change, as do your priorities and you’ve seen some shit along the way. Comparing your life with someone else is so useless because we all take a different route. Your hobbies, strengths and weaknesses are completely different from mine. Your victories, traumas and setbacks have given you a lens to observe the world in ways I will never understand. I get it, too. There is always someone that is going to be more muscular, wealthy, intelligent and better dressed. This message applies to all of us. But you know what’s the one thing people are never going to have? Your story, the moments leading up to this very day that make you who you are. This isn’t some sappy Disney fairy tale like ‘you matter baby’ but more like ‘motherfucker, I exist and I have a purpose on this earth like everyone else.’
Life is not a linear path. The sooner you embrace this, the more peace you will feel with every outcome. Do you know why? Life doesn’t start and stop with success, nor does failure define you. Every moment leading up to this point was an opportunity to grow. You build on the wins and learn from your failures. As the great poet rumi once wrote ‘What you seek, is also seeking you.’ You will get to where you need to be eventually but life’s mysteries will take you on an adventure long before you find your place. You will feel joy, sadness, exhaustion and confusion. that is all part of the journey, so buckle up, your story is being written. Enjoy it because it belongs to you now.
The Evolving Masculine 